This could’ve been an email.
You Might Also Like
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.