*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[eulogy]
line?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”