7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?