My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”