Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
this post was so formative to me
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me