I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My work here is don’t.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.