Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
You Might Also Like
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The biggest mystery of our time
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?