Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*