CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Love is always patient and kind.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Kermit goes Blue.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.