*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don鈥檛 worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I鈥檓 waiting for my turn to play
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We鈥檝e suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don鈥檛 make the rules.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he鈥檇 gotten himself a dog.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I can also cook 馃槀
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Do not levitate over flowers
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.