Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force