[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
All generalizations are stupid.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.