Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
won’t smith
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
(Electricians.)
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”