Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.