I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting