DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…