Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
You Might Also Like
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Most fashion shows these days…
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.