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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount