Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.