*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
You Might Also Like
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.