Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear