Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.