*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Google Pay be like:
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
How do horror writers compete with current events?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.