My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined