I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.