LOOOOOOL
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
HR said no more nunchucks.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it