Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
You Might Also Like
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Encore…
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.