*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I beg your pardon?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.