Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅