[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
There is no “we” in pizza
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!