If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”