“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?