Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Seek kebab; not attention
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.