I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf