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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.