I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.