Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children