me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“What?”
– Jude
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
That’s it.I’m out.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview