Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“What movie?” 🤔
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Basically.