Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
(Gaming support cat.)
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.