Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
You Might Also Like
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.