cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.