The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.