back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.