They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.