*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The glockness monster
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?