Try and stop me.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
At least my masseuse has my back.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside