A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Best spoiler warning ever
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh