After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
When ur friends with white people