The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.